Saturday, November 20, 2004
it appears that I'm in someone's mind
Nothing.
Just a wasteland of nothing. Sure, there are scraps here and there, but no signs of life.
I'm not even sure where I am. But it appears that I'm in someone's mind. And it's in triangular form.
Three minds? You're kidding! How could it be so empty?
Wait! There's something.
It's coming up in the distance. No, not over there. Over that way... See? It's small, but it's there. And it's getting bigger.
I wonder what it is. I feel I've been waiting forever...
I hope it's something grand.
I can almost make it out...
Can't you tell what it is?
Oh no.
Wait.
It's just a tumbleweed.
[the triangle expands]
Just a wasteland of nothing. Sure, there are scraps here and there, but no signs of life.
I'm not even sure where I am. But it appears that I'm in someone's mind. And it's in triangular form.
Three minds? You're kidding! How could it be so empty?
Wait! There's something.
It's coming up in the distance. No, not over there. Over that way... See? It's small, but it's there. And it's getting bigger.
I wonder what it is. I feel I've been waiting forever...
I hope it's something grand.
I can almost make it out...
Can't you tell what it is?
Oh no.
Wait.
It's just a tumbleweed.
[the triangle expands]
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I am so struggling
I am trying to come to terms with a lot of things about myself lately. And I don't like them.
I am so struggling with who I am as a Mama, a Person, a Woman, and my identity in the larger concept of things. I don't do people well. I either throw myself wholeheartedly into a friendship to the point of expending/investing too much or I distance myself and don't put any energy into anything.
I am a loner.
I am battling this internally because I don't want R. to grow up like I did. I want to encourage her to be a loving, outgoing, social person and find herself, but fuck if I can deal with other people. I have a small group of Mama friends and I am finding the whole experience has grown to be rather unpleasant. Maybe it's because I'm not down with drum circles and avoiding sugar at all costs and talking to my child in a sickingly sweet voice congratulating her every crayon line? Maybe it's because I don't take well to people wanting to run around doing child activities every fucking minute of the week. I prefer to hang out at home, go to the park, low maintenance things, along with the art classes where I am covered head to toe in paint and the indoor parks and the storytimes, I need some down, home, family time.
And I know this is rubbing me raw due to my own issues in a lot of ways. I get angry and defensive easily. I don't like being told what to do. I spend so much energy and pour so much of myself into making my child's life happy that I am losing myself and it doesn't feel good. [warm milk]
I am so struggling with who I am as a Mama, a Person, a Woman, and my identity in the larger concept of things. I don't do people well. I either throw myself wholeheartedly into a friendship to the point of expending/investing too much or I distance myself and don't put any energy into anything.
I am a loner.
I am battling this internally because I don't want R. to grow up like I did. I want to encourage her to be a loving, outgoing, social person and find herself, but fuck if I can deal with other people. I have a small group of Mama friends and I am finding the whole experience has grown to be rather unpleasant. Maybe it's because I'm not down with drum circles and avoiding sugar at all costs and talking to my child in a sickingly sweet voice congratulating her every crayon line? Maybe it's because I don't take well to people wanting to run around doing child activities every fucking minute of the week. I prefer to hang out at home, go to the park, low maintenance things, along with the art classes where I am covered head to toe in paint and the indoor parks and the storytimes, I need some down, home, family time.
And I know this is rubbing me raw due to my own issues in a lot of ways. I get angry and defensive easily. I don't like being told what to do. I spend so much energy and pour so much of myself into making my child's life happy that I am losing myself and it doesn't feel good. [warm milk]
sensitive teeth
I am nearly deranged with the side effect of sensitive teeth. I cannot understand why my teeth suddenly go sensitive whenever I have a cold but there is not one second that goes by without me feeling them in my mouth. I have tried to look up whether cold medicine has that side effect, or whether this happens to other people, and all I find is commercial bullshit about teeth whitening and the like. ARRRRRRGGGH! [ignorantslut]
