prozakistan

I'm an evil, evil person. I'm intrinsically dark. The only reason why I'm in the light is because I avoid temptation. I've come to realize that if I let myself get influenced by the wrong people, if I choose to hang with the wrong crowd, I'd be really dirty.

I've been thinking about this the last few days. I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think myself to be. I'm weak.

It seems like a bad thing to realize this, but on the other hand, at least I know myself more. At least I can be more conscious of staying away from temptation. At least I realize that I am weak and that I need Him in my life. [unsent]

Where was I?

Ah, the neighborhood molestation ring, lol. Truly, these were very isolated incidents. Count on one hand kind of stuff and you already heard three.

As our gang got a little older, we turned an old shed into a camp or clubhouse. We had our own tunes, a card table, a couple of hammocks, posters and forever burning cherry or wisteria incense. A place to smoke cigarettes and look at dirty magazines, of which there was always plenty. Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse. The guys had the kind of dads that, upon noticing some of their reading material was missing, would smile and nod.

My contribution was Archie comics, which looked way out of place, but I was hooked. Relationship education from the awkward adventures of Archie Andrews and sex education from porn. And never the twain shall meet. That’s a sad statement, which I personified for many, many years.

One story, from Hustler maybe, stuck with me. My Penis. A work of fantastic fiction about a woman who wakes up one morning with a penis. Hilarious. Disturbing. Fascinating. Come on, fess up ladies. You’ve wondered what it would be like to have a helmet-headed outie with a mind of its own. This article, which I'm pretty sure was written by a man, featured a lot of masturbation and the fucking of her best friend, but in the beginning she dealt with things like where to tuck it, peeing with a morning boner and the like. I loved that story.

And, then? The porno video.

Ten minutes worth in the middle of the day at the neighbors, while their mom was out watering the garden. The magazines come to life. Well, sort of, anyway. The bodies moving, the nakedness, the pleasure was … beautiful in a way. The emotional interaction was not. You’ve seen them. You know what I mean. Absolutely no feeling below the skin, which I can compartmentally comprehend now, but then it was so, I don’t know, off, yet, more and more what I came to accept as what it would be like in real life, especially since it correlated with my previous incident.

I think Ron Jeremy was in it. He cracks me up. He doesn’t even have to say anything; just gets this look on his face that says can you believe I’m getting paid for this? RJ’s a cad, a cool one and a surprisingly lovable one, especially in his younger days. He doesn’t have that Peter North air about him. Yes. I’ve officially decided Ron Jeremy is the best porn star ever.

Anyway, after that I paid more attention to the XXX drive-in down the road (I know – wild). Sitting in the backseat of the family car, choking on cigarette smoke that wasn’t my own, I used to press my face against the window as we passed at night. Depending on how fast we were traveling, I could see 3 or 4 seconds of flesh and boners.

I’m making you all think I became a do anyone slut, aren’t I? Not to disappoint, but that really wasn’t the case.

You’ll see.

I’m a real sweetheart. In high school I was voted “best personality” (shut up, that does not mean I’m ugly). Off the top of my head, I can’t think of one person throughout my life who didn’t like me. There must be one, I’m sure. Proabably more. The point is no one comes to mind, so if there are, the circumstances weren’t significant enough to remember. I'm not saying nice is everything and it isn’t the only reason I’m generally well-received, but it’s a big one. It has other advantages, too, like getting free stuff without asking, friendly smiles from strangers, things that can really make your day.

But, on the B side the thought of hurting anyone knots my guts and when someone I'm fond of hurts, I want to fix it. Pronto. What fucking sap, right? What’s in it for me? A lot of swallowed damage, crammed down my throat like wadding in a musket that rarely goes off. I’ve stared pokerfaced down countless barrels loaded with pain without firing back.

My sister and I were engaged at the same time. We planned to have a double wedding with over two hundred on our list of invites. As we were making arrangements, my fiancé tells me he has a serious problem with crowds. Serious. And, did we really have to wait until May? Oh. Now what. As it turned out, my sister and her boyfriend split up that very night, so the answer was, “That’s okay,” and two weeks later I said I do in a tiny private ceremony at the minister's house wearing a dress my friend whipped up. :

I’m not a girlie girl, not by a long shot, but growing up I still visualized my wedding day. This wasn’t it.

Twenty four hours before the little day I received a call from my dad, only because mom made him. Through throat clearings and coughs he told me that he would not be there. Had to keep the fire stoked in the wood furnace so the pipes wouldn’t freeze. It was quite a cold winter. Below zero that whole week. Also, my dad was an alcoholic and a recluse.

That’s okay.

Two years later my sister found a new man and they got married in a church with many in attendance. My dad was there. My sister, in her beautiful dress, took his arm and he walked her down the aisle. Then my brother got married. Twice. My dad was there.

Sorry if this sounds whiny, but it’s my blog and if I can’t whine here, then I’m truly fucked.

Reading this might make you think door mat. Not exactly. It’s about balance. For example, just last night, I was at a gas station. Finished pumping and walking toward the store, I noticed the white reverse lights on an suv. The front tires were cocked to the side and it was crooked in the parking slot. Somewhere in my head this must have registered careless, because I stopped. No kidding, this chick hit the gas like she’d just jacked the cash box. When she saw me she put her window down and sincerely cried I totally almost killed you. I am soooo sorry.

Reassuring smile with a warm giggle chaser. That’s okay.

You see, she felt bad. If she had been a bitch about it, I would have been in her face. If my then fiancé wasn’t so apologetic, I would have argued for the wedding I wanted. If I didn’t know it was killing my proud daddy to be too weak to come to my wedding, I would have told him that was a stupid reason not to be there. But, I did know. So, I didn’t jump in his face. I ran in the opposite direction with my heart in my shoes to balance the scale. Wonder woman taking the hit and saving the day to soften the blow.

Now, I’m thinking, did it? Momentarily, perhaps. My sister guilted him into going to her wedding and, uncomfortable as he was, he felt better for having been there.

Maybe some things can’t be compensated for. Maybe some things shouldn’t be compensated for. To try is to be a hyperbolic Pollyanna skipping the beaches of Normandy with a basket of band aids and lollipops, singing the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

Fuck! I’m not wonder woman. I’m her!

So, what do I do? Bitch people out … realize that sometimes they need to feel bad… stand silently by, while someone you care about twists in the wind … accept there are some things you can’t make better? That's so hard for me. [the overflow]

God is a carnivore. The initial plan for mankind included a dash of salt and a generous helping of pepper. Yes, it’s true. Mankind was bred in captivity for generations to serve as hors d'oeuvres for the most spectacular dinner party ever conceived. The guest list was a divine ‘who’s who’ list and included: Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Mother Nature, Zeus, Odin, Eris, Diana, Lilith, Satan, and even that bitch, Kali.

God had spared no expense creating and perfecting a new meat for His guests.

Then it happened.

Satan said he was a vegetarian; Kali said she was jaded with flesh; and Eris said she’d prefer an apple and a hot dog.

God had labored diligently to create a perfect snack for His guests only to be rejected when it mattered most. Upset and distraught, He swore never to eat meat again.

Thus man is a domesticated beast thrown back to the wild. Confused and having long forgotten the skills needed for survival, man must somehow learn to cope with the loss of purpose that came from not being eaten. [intelligent ash]

anger breath
worry steps
sadness moods
sleepiness sounds [deadspiderplant]

I'm a true survivor in this world of criminals, abusers, evildoers and anyone that tries to provoke something. I live in this metropolis all by myself without much friends, family or a lover. Though I may be crawling along, dragging myself from place to place, still I'm alive. I can hear, see, feel and speak. That's saying something. When everything has been out to get me, I kept on going and never really gave in. No matter how many times I've thought of throwing in the towel, I never gave them the satisfaction. In fact, it gladdens me that they have failed in killing me.

I have survived my family's abuse, a war, a burning building, loneliness, pain and more pain. And the pains that I have felt are the ultimate in the kind of pain you don't ever want to experience. And some of you know what that can be like. At most, I'm just a witness in this world. I see all the things that go on and watch them develop. Never knowing what it would be like to be on the other side. There is so much freedom in love. It's the ultimate freedom to experience. I can imagine that to be true though I've never experienced that kind of love. But I'm in awe of those that have achieved this and I can only be envious of them. But why doesn't it inspire me? It only inspires the negative aspects of myself rather than the positive.

As my friend EJ said to me, when things get so bad, think of those that are so low that they attack to make themselves somehow feel better. Well, not exact words, but I hope you know what it means.

Somehow, I'm trying to teach myself to just tolerate and let it brush over me. When you let it get to you, you're only letting them win.

I don't really hate those people give me any shit. In fact, I feel for them more because why else would they be doing this if they themselves were not happy with themselves. That in itself is something I have in common with them. I feel victimized, but at the same time I understand them. But it really hurts sometimes when someone that you wished believed in you in fact does not. What can I do? I'm not perfect. I am not a magician and I can't change anyone. As sure as nobody can change me. Only real love and affection can make someone feel better about themselves. And these people, they never had that love and affection. Pain is all they know and pain is all they give.

It's probably why I keep away from people. I don't really wish to harm them. I always feel they can do better.

Is it fantasy or too realistic? To think that when the window of opportunity is closed, you are never getting there. I think that there is a time in everyone's life when that window is open and it is a time to learn about love, respect and affection. When that does not happen, and the window closes, you are forever never going to know true love no matter how many times you get yourself into and out of relationships. I think a lot of people are fooling themselves.

But what do I know? I'm just a witness. [variant]

i know that im always never do wadever u wan me to do right..
i know that im always disobey u..
i know that im always disrespect u..
i know that im always make u angry..
i know that im always a disgrace to u in front of every other family members..
i know that im always give u unnecessary problems..
i know that im bad, evil and not a good ger unlike other female cousins i had..

Im sorry.

After the long chat we had juz now, i juz realise that.. it has been years since i last saw and chatted with u..
How have u been? I know i broke ur heart with all those evil doings i had been doing: smoking, tattooing, drinking and wadever.. Im really really sorry. I know i had never been a good daughter to u..

I miss u..
I miss ur hugs..
I miss ur voice..
I miss ur nags..
I miss ur cookings..
I miss ur care and concerns..

I really really miss u deep deep. The feeling is so hard to describe.. How i wish i can tell u how i feel.. but, the chance never came at all ever since i left your side several years ago..

I miss u. My Dear Mother. *weeps* [one more time]

I imagine myself middle-aged, doing what the hell I please, seeing my partner when I don't need space. I see myself free of the co-dependency and neediness that engulfed my love relationships up to current.

--It seems that people--no matter the gender, orientation, looks, or possessions--usually fall for someone due to one or a comination of:

1.) physical attraction (whatever one's taste)
2.) adoration of another's personality or talent
3.) a yearning for intimacy
4.) emotional neediness
5.) seeing qualities in a person that remind them of themselves or an endeared person
6.) purely chemical
7.) romanticizing the new or unknown

In the years I've dated and loved, I've fallen for people for separate or combined reasons. It's truly amusing. When you fall for all reasons at the same time, what a vulnerable soul you are. Even worse, once our romantic interest is piqued for any reason, we fall even harder for the individuals who aren't attainable or not as romantically zealous about us.

Pure connections happen when two people fall at a 50/50 romantic interest level and are equally in it to win it. Outside the elusive "pure connection", there are only unbalanced romantic situations. This doesn't have to be so bad...a 55/45 or 60/40 romantic interest combo is doable if 50/50 isn't possible. It just gets weird when you are honest with the role you hold in a given romantic situation (either a relinquisher or controller). Few people like to admit they are the relinquisher (the one who sweats, kisses ass, and hopes for more). On the other end is the controller (the one determines the course of the romantic situation and who doesn't fear detaching). However, the controller often feels unsatisfied in some way. I've learned there are five choices outside the blessing of finding a pure connection:

1.) Involve yourself in a romantic situation as the relinquisher, feeling constant love and desire for him/her, albeit heartsickness and loss of control.
2.) Involve yourself in a romantic situation as the controller, knowing you run the show and have all the attention you want, albeit boredom and a constant gnawing that you have settled.
3.) Say no to involvement of any kind. Fight loneliness and a need for intimacy with a pet, busy social life or career, and emotion-free dates.
4.) Say no to involvement. Engulf yourself in disillusionment with good red wine and vicarious-living through others, romance novels and daydreams.
5.) Say no to involvement. Allow loneliness to engulf you. Live an ornery life of misery and negativity. [pandora's blog

miss van

Brain Scan Shows Differences in Truth, Lying
Mon Nov 29, 2004 02:17 PM ET

By Maggie Fox, Health and Science Correspondent

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Brain scans show that the brains of people who are lying look very different from those of people who are telling the truth, U.S. researchers said on Monday.

The study, using functional magnetic resonance imaging or fMRI, not only sheds light on what goes on when people lie but may also provide new technology for lie-detecting, the researchers said.

"There may be unique areas in the brain involved in deception that can be measured with fMRI," said Dr. Scott Faro, director of the Functional Brain Imaging Center at Temple University School of Medicine in Philadelphia.

"There may be unique areas in the brain involved in truth-telling," Faro added at a news conference.

Faro and colleagues tested 10 volunteers. Six of them were asked to shoot a toy gun and then lie and say they didn't do it. Three others who watched told the truth about what happened. One volunteer dropped out of the study.

While giving their "testimony," the volunteers were hooked up both to a conventional polygraph and also had their brain activity imaged using fMRI, which used a strong magnet to provide a real-time picture of brain activity.

There were clear differences between the liars and the truth-tellers, Faro's team told a meeting in Chicago of the Radiological Society of North America.

"We found a total of seven areas of activation in the deception (group)," he said. "We found four areas of activity in the truth-telling arm."

Overall, it seemed to take more brain effort to tell the lie than to tell the truth, Faro found.

Lying caused activity in the frontal part of the brain --- the medial inferior and pre-central areas, as well as the hippocampus and middle temporal regions and the limbic areas. Some of these are involved in emotional responses, Faro said.

During a truthful response, the fMRI showed activation of parts of the brain's frontal lobe, temporal lobe and cingulate gyrus.

Faro said the study was small and limited. Volunteers were not asked to try especially hard to deceive the equipment, he said -- noting that it has been documented that some people can fool a polygraph using various techniques.

Using fMRI as a lie detector is expensive, but it may be worthwhile in some cases -- such as trying to question a terrorism suspect, or in a high-profile corporate crime case, Faro said.

© Reuters 2004. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content, including by caching, framing or similar means, is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters. Reuters and the Reuters sphere logo are registered trademarks and trademarks of the Reuters group of companies around the world. [reuters]

about sailing down a canal in a raft, a small raft so small i barely fit in.. and the water is wild..

dreams about being with her again.. and taking her to a shop and buying her dresses with flowers on them and stiff petticoats to go under them. she laughs and smiles and wears them for me. she twirls madly and i ask her where she's been all this time.

dreams about being on a crowded train and people are pointing and talking about me.
i lay my head down in shame. I'm wearing a dirty white shirt an my hair wet.

being on a set of a porn movie watching it being filmed. someone is eating a baloney sandwich and i cant stop watching them. [opalwine]