Saturday, December 11, 2004
entangled
It's amazing the way you can know someone, intertwined, entangled, lives linked by more than blood and words. It's amazing the way you can know someone, their movements, their scent, their footsteps on the floor above you. It's amazing the way you can know someone and speak with them without voices, with nothing more than a look, a sense, your own hands clasped in your lap.
It's amazing how you can know someone and find out later there are things you didn't know. Or things you knew and had forgotten.
It's amazing how someone can come to you and say, I remember when she used to roll biscuit dough in cinnamon and sugar and bake them and call them donuts and you didn't know or you don't remember and suddenly you're searching for everything you had forgotten. [as I knew her]
It's amazing how you can know someone and find out later there are things you didn't know. Or things you knew and had forgotten.
It's amazing how someone can come to you and say, I remember when she used to roll biscuit dough in cinnamon and sugar and bake them and call them donuts and you didn't know or you don't remember and suddenly you're searching for everything you had forgotten. [as I knew her]
fire-breather
I think my mind is trying to tell me something but I have no idea what. Last night I had the most unusual dream last night and I seriously I wish I knew something about dream interpretation because...well you'll see in a moment. This is one of the weirdest dream I've ever had. I was never in the dream; I was just an observer. It started with a person (I don't remember the gender of the person. It could have been a guy with long hair.) was spitting fire using some...stick thing in a stone temple courtyard. (My brain doesn't worry about physics if and when it works. The person was just holding a bundle of fiber-optic looking sticks up to his or her mouth, and exhaling a fire-storm.) The fire-breather was surrounded by a circle of people who seemed happy and cheering, but I remember thinking that this person is clearly rackless and dangerous and might hurt someone.
Anyway, that person then left the circle of people and the scene completely changed and got really trippy. I'm beginning to wonder if I inhaled a little somethin' at the Cookie Party without knowing it. I watched this curly, red-haired kid walk in slow motion down a suburban sidwalk on a sunny day. The weird thing was that he was holding his head and screaming (that was muted for some reason) because the right side of his head was on fire.
Then the dream went back to the temple and one of the guys (this was a guy) from the circle of people was lying on the ground. I thought he was asleep, but then he spontaneously combusted. Some woman's face appeared and she looked really scared. Then it showed the burning guy again and the fire was even more intense and much brighter. Back to the woman and there was a very bright flash and suddenly her face changed. The first thing that came to mind was that there had been a nuclear explosion and her face was radiated and getting splotchy, but at the same time, I knew it was the burning man who had given off the explosion of light. The woman died, but didn't vaporize. I distinctly remember seeing her eyes roll back. Then she fell down. Wow just recalling this dream is really disturbing...
Back to the suburbs. It starts in a garage this time. I can see a bright light on the garage door. It pans out, but locks onto the garage door. When it gets outside I can see that the bright light came from the shape of a gree that was burned into the door like a jack-o-lantern carving complete with trunk, branches and leaves. Must have been from the Nuclear Burning Man. It showed the Burning Head Boy one last time and then I woke up. I really want to know why fire and the apocalypse are such major themes in my dream. I don't remember being scared by any of it. Not while I was dreaming and not when I woke up. Maybe I'm the anti-Christ. [73H BL06]
Anyway, that person then left the circle of people and the scene completely changed and got really trippy. I'm beginning to wonder if I inhaled a little somethin' at the Cookie Party without knowing it. I watched this curly, red-haired kid walk in slow motion down a suburban sidwalk on a sunny day. The weird thing was that he was holding his head and screaming (that was muted for some reason) because the right side of his head was on fire.
Then the dream went back to the temple and one of the guys (this was a guy) from the circle of people was lying on the ground. I thought he was asleep, but then he spontaneously combusted. Some woman's face appeared and she looked really scared. Then it showed the burning guy again and the fire was even more intense and much brighter. Back to the woman and there was a very bright flash and suddenly her face changed. The first thing that came to mind was that there had been a nuclear explosion and her face was radiated and getting splotchy, but at the same time, I knew it was the burning man who had given off the explosion of light. The woman died, but didn't vaporize. I distinctly remember seeing her eyes roll back. Then she fell down. Wow just recalling this dream is really disturbing...
Back to the suburbs. It starts in a garage this time. I can see a bright light on the garage door. It pans out, but locks onto the garage door. When it gets outside I can see that the bright light came from the shape of a gree that was burned into the door like a jack-o-lantern carving complete with trunk, branches and leaves. Must have been from the Nuclear Burning Man. It showed the Burning Head Boy one last time and then I woke up. I really want to know why fire and the apocalypse are such major themes in my dream. I don't remember being scared by any of it. Not while I was dreaming and not when I woke up. Maybe I'm the anti-Christ. [73H BL06]
the snow is calling my name
I'm growing and learning everyday and life is taking me somewhere I never really imagined and I'm almost blown away every time I think about it. Life is funny. Truly funny.
god, It's so BEAUTIFUL out here. the sun is out, the snow is calling my name and i'm ridiculously happy! [scratching the surface]
god, It's so BEAUTIFUL out here. the sun is out, the snow is calling my name and i'm ridiculously happy! [scratching the surface]
only dread
There's this one girl I know that slept with this giant goon who lives on my floor. It's interesting because she flirts with me a lot. I couple months ago I tried to sleep with her, we were both drunk in my room and I was in this big leather arm chair and she was on my lap. She had been on me all night and I had my arms around her, caressing her. At about 2:30 in the morning she got up to go to leave and took me with her, pulling me by the hand. My roomate and one of my friends were in my room at the time so I thought we were heading back to her room. We got to her door and she just let go of my hand, said goodnight and we kind of just seperated. I attributed that night to the fact that it was really late and we were both really drunk. Anyhow, like 2 weeks later we were partying, it was my birthday and we were having a good time. I went upstairs to her room for a while and it was the same story as the time before, flirting and shit, and anyhow, my friend downstairs gets busted for alcohol and I, in a stupid drunk decision went down to see what was going on. When I went back upstairs she was gone, apparently back to her room for the night. By this time I'd seen how she acted constantly, flirting with everyone all the time. So I gave up trying. To me it seemed like she just flirted and would never put out. So Saturday I was drinking with her again, this time up on a mountain in a foot of snow. She started flirting again, "Give me a hug, I'm cold." She placed her hand upon my cheek and just held it there for like 4 minutes, and I was just like yeah, same old bullshit and didn't even bother though she invited me up to her room for a movie when we got back. But apperantly I gave up at the wrong time. The next day at like 6 o'clock in the afternoon she's sleeping with the goon, everyone knows because his roomate tried to get in and the rapechain was up and she ran out with her hood up and pulled tight like 20 minutes later. It's not like this guy's got anything going for him anyway, unless he's hung like a horse. I'm just so damn unlucky.
Sorry everybody. I just saw myself on video and I feel very ugly at the moment. How can anyone like me when I don't even like myself. I just kept sitting there wondering how anyone could stand to be around me because I was so ugly. I hated the world because I knew the world hated me at that moment. While I was on the mountain and being filmed I didn;t regret the moment at all. But now I feel shallow and stupid. Save me from my misery. Please, leave a comment, I need your help. I want to live but i'm lacking reasons. God help me...
Did power hour last night, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about this is a shot of beer a minute for an hour, so basically 7 beers in an hour. Our version was more intense, 2 double shots a minute for about 15 minutes, then just one double a minute for another 15 minutes and then singles for the rest of the time, so more or less 15 and a half beers in a single hour. Needless to say, I was pretty drunk. The absolute worst thing about being drunk is waking up in the morning and remembering only half of the previous night. Sometimes this manifests itself as a very happy morning, laughing when you hear how stupid you were, other times it's happy until you find out what goddamn stupid things you did that you regret and desperately wish to take back. This morning however, there is only dread. I remember most of last night and I'm pretty sure I insulted a lot of people. Now I can only wait to find out what I said to who. It really sucks... [reflecting the sun]
Sorry everybody. I just saw myself on video and I feel very ugly at the moment. How can anyone like me when I don't even like myself. I just kept sitting there wondering how anyone could stand to be around me because I was so ugly. I hated the world because I knew the world hated me at that moment. While I was on the mountain and being filmed I didn;t regret the moment at all. But now I feel shallow and stupid. Save me from my misery. Please, leave a comment, I need your help. I want to live but i'm lacking reasons. God help me...
Did power hour last night, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about this is a shot of beer a minute for an hour, so basically 7 beers in an hour. Our version was more intense, 2 double shots a minute for about 15 minutes, then just one double a minute for another 15 minutes and then singles for the rest of the time, so more or less 15 and a half beers in a single hour. Needless to say, I was pretty drunk. The absolute worst thing about being drunk is waking up in the morning and remembering only half of the previous night. Sometimes this manifests itself as a very happy morning, laughing when you hear how stupid you were, other times it's happy until you find out what goddamn stupid things you did that you regret and desperately wish to take back. This morning however, there is only dread. I remember most of last night and I'm pretty sure I insulted a lot of people. Now I can only wait to find out what I said to who. It really sucks... [reflecting the sun]
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
think how many people have died
It is strange to think how many people have died over the years. It is some huge amount, I would imagine. Trillions, quadrillions, God knows how many. And then you think of how many of those people that died, how many wives or husbands or families cried over their death. How many thousands of tears were shed over how many trillions of deaths. And maybe that's the one permanent thing in our existance- sorrow. Happiness and sadness are fleeting individual emotions, but through the world, I believe the dominance would shift towards sadness and despair. I think it always has.
At the Hospice event I attended tonight, there was a priest, a rabbi, and a pastor (no, this is not some lame beginning of a joke), who spoke to us about the triumph of light over dark, of life over death, of happiness over sadness. But I believe that is a delusion. In the end, death wins always. The night will come when the sun finally runs out, and if nothing else, a neutral emotion where sadness or happiness should be will win out. It is not a bad thing, to have darkness win. It is only natural order. And perhaps, this is where the fallacy and the allure of religion factors in. Perhaps religion is what people create when they feel the darkness gliding through the world at night, when their loved one dies, when they are always crying. Perhaps religion is the antithesis of the natural order- a forcible fallacy that we perpetuate in order to convince ourselves that some abstract "good" will win in the end. And I think it shows how many people hurt, how many people are scared, by the dominance of religion. It is comforting to think that someday all the wrongs will be righted, all the darkness will be banished, and death will be abolished. Isn't that what the Christian view of heaven represents? A city of light, of happiness, of immortality. I have also noticed that this is most common in the western, Judeo-Christian religions. Often in the East the ideas of negative immortality surface- Nirvana, becoming one with the natural order. This makes more sense to me. When I'm coerced into going to church, I feel somehow that we're going the wrong way, that the whole congregation is fighting against the tide. We constantly remind ourselves that we cannot sin, that we must strive for wholesome goodness. Our whole point is to refine ourselves to be 'good' where the ideas of the East strive not for 'good' but for acceptance, for understanding.
Can you imagine a world without darkness? Darkness is what defines what we see, silence defines what we hear. Death defines life and sadness defines happiness. A world of only light, of only happiness and joyous noise and immortals- it is a world of no contrasts and of no definition. It has no point in existing. And ultimately that is where Buddhism and Daoism make more sense to me- the idea that everything has a balance and that neither side is right or wrong. Light with dark, happiness with sadness, and life with death. Judeo-Christian teachings of good and evil are ultimately artificial human creations with no link to the natural world and therefore no relevancy.
We are all immortal and we are all dust. We are lightness and we are darkness. We are jubilant and we are despair. We are not good and we are not evil.
We simply are. [ warm light on a winter's day
Here is my stab at a poem
I drew a picture in the sand,
and then erased it,
now only the sea would know it
I composed a melody behind the cloud,
and then blew it away,
now only the sky would hear it
I wrote a poem in my heart,
and then tucked it away,
now only you would see it
[michael's page]
At the Hospice event I attended tonight, there was a priest, a rabbi, and a pastor (no, this is not some lame beginning of a joke), who spoke to us about the triumph of light over dark, of life over death, of happiness over sadness. But I believe that is a delusion. In the end, death wins always. The night will come when the sun finally runs out, and if nothing else, a neutral emotion where sadness or happiness should be will win out. It is not a bad thing, to have darkness win. It is only natural order. And perhaps, this is where the fallacy and the allure of religion factors in. Perhaps religion is what people create when they feel the darkness gliding through the world at night, when their loved one dies, when they are always crying. Perhaps religion is the antithesis of the natural order- a forcible fallacy that we perpetuate in order to convince ourselves that some abstract "good" will win in the end. And I think it shows how many people hurt, how many people are scared, by the dominance of religion. It is comforting to think that someday all the wrongs will be righted, all the darkness will be banished, and death will be abolished. Isn't that what the Christian view of heaven represents? A city of light, of happiness, of immortality. I have also noticed that this is most common in the western, Judeo-Christian religions. Often in the East the ideas of negative immortality surface- Nirvana, becoming one with the natural order. This makes more sense to me. When I'm coerced into going to church, I feel somehow that we're going the wrong way, that the whole congregation is fighting against the tide. We constantly remind ourselves that we cannot sin, that we must strive for wholesome goodness. Our whole point is to refine ourselves to be 'good' where the ideas of the East strive not for 'good' but for acceptance, for understanding.
Can you imagine a world without darkness? Darkness is what defines what we see, silence defines what we hear. Death defines life and sadness defines happiness. A world of only light, of only happiness and joyous noise and immortals- it is a world of no contrasts and of no definition. It has no point in existing. And ultimately that is where Buddhism and Daoism make more sense to me- the idea that everything has a balance and that neither side is right or wrong. Light with dark, happiness with sadness, and life with death. Judeo-Christian teachings of good and evil are ultimately artificial human creations with no link to the natural world and therefore no relevancy.
We are all immortal and we are all dust. We are lightness and we are darkness. We are jubilant and we are despair. We are not good and we are not evil.
We simply are. [ warm light on a winter's day
Here is my stab at a poem
I drew a picture in the sand,
and then erased it,
now only the sea would know it
I composed a melody behind the cloud,
and then blew it away,
now only the sky would hear it
I wrote a poem in my heart,
and then tucked it away,
now only you would see it
[michael's page]
Sunday, December 05, 2004
i've gone supernova
Like a caged animal or cart pony, who pace around the same path, I find myself internalizing the patterns and insecurities that imprison me. Nothing tangible, nothing singular, nothing shocking has landed me in this semi-paralyzed state of anxiety. It's more like a frog who never jumps out of the pot of boiling water than a deer suddenly caught in headlights. I hear Rey's lyrics looping in my mind, "I Hope You Figure It Out" and fear that as I'm busy "figuring it out," love will pass me by. It's a bug in the programming, but instead of encountering syntax error -41, the damn thing keeps thinking and thinking until only a force-quit will re-set the program.
Last night I dreamt that I could fly - then found myself trapped inside the cockpit of an airplane headed on a crash-landing course toward icy waters. There is no salvation in this world, only struggle. And when i'm not struggling, I'm losing ground. At least I found the escape hatch, and then sued the company that put me on the plane. There's justice for you.
Yes, I'm falling for the marine on the motorcycle; and my fear of having a relationship not work out is almost as great as my fear that it will. Do you think you can take over the controls for a sec? I'm experiencing some motion sickness and need to go hang my head out the back window while I throw up...
Woke up with a throbbing headache; my heart may be broken but at least the pulsing indicates that it's still working. Another day alive.
A small bird lighted outside my window this morning, shivering against the cold wet winds. The mountains are a beautiful fresh green today, and the white opaque fog transports me to certain fight scenes in Hero or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I am floating in tree-tops and suspended between raindrops.
Ironically, it's through these fits of anxiety and grief that I feel the most in love. I open my heart, release my grip on it, and despite the trauma of open-heart surgery, I'm still breathing. Deep breaths of cold, fresh air. My sojourn in the fire with the demons of my mind is ended and here I am: Hands, belly, womb, feet, toes. Intact.
The sky is weeping today so that I may conserve my energy. I have not burned up, burned out or broken down. I've gone supernova! My nuclear fuel is exhausted, I've released my energy into interstellar space, and then condensed into a rapidly rotating neutron core. It's not so much the death of a start as the transformation of matter. And on such a cloudy day, the ejection of a blast wave is sure to create new stars in the universe.
Another day alive. Supernovas deserve homemade potato soup. [great blue yonder]
Last night I dreamt that I could fly - then found myself trapped inside the cockpit of an airplane headed on a crash-landing course toward icy waters. There is no salvation in this world, only struggle. And when i'm not struggling, I'm losing ground. At least I found the escape hatch, and then sued the company that put me on the plane. There's justice for you.
Yes, I'm falling for the marine on the motorcycle; and my fear of having a relationship not work out is almost as great as my fear that it will. Do you think you can take over the controls for a sec? I'm experiencing some motion sickness and need to go hang my head out the back window while I throw up...
Woke up with a throbbing headache; my heart may be broken but at least the pulsing indicates that it's still working. Another day alive.
A small bird lighted outside my window this morning, shivering against the cold wet winds. The mountains are a beautiful fresh green today, and the white opaque fog transports me to certain fight scenes in Hero or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I am floating in tree-tops and suspended between raindrops.
Ironically, it's through these fits of anxiety and grief that I feel the most in love. I open my heart, release my grip on it, and despite the trauma of open-heart surgery, I'm still breathing. Deep breaths of cold, fresh air. My sojourn in the fire with the demons of my mind is ended and here I am: Hands, belly, womb, feet, toes. Intact.
The sky is weeping today so that I may conserve my energy. I have not burned up, burned out or broken down. I've gone supernova! My nuclear fuel is exhausted, I've released my energy into interstellar space, and then condensed into a rapidly rotating neutron core. It's not so much the death of a start as the transformation of matter. And on such a cloudy day, the ejection of a blast wave is sure to create new stars in the universe.
Another day alive. Supernovas deserve homemade potato soup. [great blue yonder]
hind sigh
I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god
My doctor thinks I am perfectly fine. No signs of delusions, mania, or psychoses. Healthy. Stepping beyond. Breaking on through to the other side. Evolving even. Finding my true self beneath the heavy, caked-on layers of mud and painted plastic. I thought there was an eggshell underneath, hollow, with lightening bolt cracks threatening destruction. But it's not an eggshell at all, it's light.
Through the depressions my crying was regular and expected. Now it comes at surprising times. Speaking of shedding skins in my psychiatrist's office, I am proud and happy and grateful, smiling broadly, until I burst into sobbing tears. Quite suddenly. I'm a heap of falling tears, a waterfall over a moss-covered cliff. Kleenex is passed, but these tears are too thick for tissue paper. I let them flow. I'm in awe of what is happening here.
I am finding my soul.
I'm angry and hurt that I was trained to deny my soul for so long. Taught to reject a part of me. I'm afraid. Of being wrong, of being right, of rejection, ridicule, criticism, challenges. And I'm determined. To continue peeling off the paint and plastic, to continue breaking off the mud. I will cleanse my soul with incense and sage, I will bathe myself in reiki, I will love myself truly and deeply, I will let my soul shine.
I have been taught that life is meaningless and there is no higher power. And that all who disagree are deluded, dumb, and inferior. Choosing a path of spirit is rejecting my tribe, and their expected role for me. Which is positive, of course. But the tribe is too entrenched in their ways, too brainwashed by their own beliefs, to see it like that. To them I am rejecting truth, acting irrationally, choosing fantasy over reality.
But to me I am accepting truth instead of remaining closed to it,
I am acting rationally and emotionally and spiritually.
I am choosing all of reality, not just one limited version of it.
I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god. Oh, this is going to take a lot of processing. It's way harder to say out loud than "I'm gay" ever was. Maybe 'cause people have so many stereotypes about what "god" is. Although, I guess many people have that about gays, too! Just not my circle.
I believe in god.
I believe.
Yes, Pure Beautiful Ripe and Juicy Plum, there is magic here.
Bless me.
I'm doing it in pieces. Coming out as spiritual. It's harder than it was to come out as bisexual. And that wasn't all easy, let me tell you. Well, another time I'll tell you the whole story. But the root of it is this - my family accepts that some people are gay. No problem. But spiritual? Well, that's just wrong. And stupid.
So, I started, like anyone would, with people I knew would accept it. I met other spiritual people and I told them. So far I've met no one that fully understands the difficulty of coming out spiritual for me, but they try and they listen and they say good for you and all that. Like straight people to gay people, you know. They can empathize, sure, but they don't really get it like someone who has experienced it. Like racial profiling to white people. Yeah, that's so unjust you were pulled over for nothing. But we don't really get it completely. Like abuse to someone who's never been abused. We can try to understand each other, and that's helpful. We can understand on some levels, intellectually, sometimes emotionally. But the depths of the experience are only felt by the person who went through the thing. And it can feel isolating when there's no one else who's gone through something similar. And I know of no one else who has gone through this.
Maybe I should try to contact Madalyn Murray O'Hair's son.
Anyway, so I told spiritual friends and that feels like some relief. I'm being true to myself. I'm being open. I'm declaring my soul. At the border patrol between atheist and spiritual person, I do declare I have a soul. Yes, I have 1 soul to declare. Write that down. Sign the paperwork. Hallelujah, praise the lord.
Then I told friends who were spiritual or religious, but less accepting of beliefs different from theirs. And that was basically ok, too. People tend to think their beliefs are right, but if others have some belief system, they'll basically go with it. Most people aren't proselytizing all over the place. So I'm out to all my close friends, now. And it feels good. And none of them think I'm the least big crazy. None of them shake their heads in disappointment. They don't try to reason me out of it. It's accepted. I'm spiritual. It's even no big deal.
But family? Well, it goes against everything I was raised to believe. My parents might feel they failed. They might be forced to face their beliefs. They would say lack of beliefs, but they absolutely have a belief system.
I'm broaching the subject, mentioning the energy work I've done, mentioning the word spiritual here and there, but not really defining.
I haven't spoken any of these words, though:
I believe in something bigger than myself, in a higher power.
I sometimes experience feeling at one with all, at one with spirit.
I feel spiritual.
I believe we have souls.
I believe there is meaning in this life.
I believe it is possible that we live on in some other form or in some similar form.
I believe we have energy and we can affect it.
I believe we have healing powers.
I don't know any of these things, but I feel and believe them. I'm uncomfortable saying I believe them. But I'm working on that.
Saying those things to my parents and siblings... it's like saying to most people's families:
I believe I am Jesus Christ reincarnated.
I believe I have been abducted by aliens.
I believe I can astrally project to the planet of my birth.
I believe I can fly.
And, hey, if you believe those things, I am not here to say they're not true. Not at all. I'm anxious to hear your story, actually. And sorry for all my former years when I did think you were a lunatic.
So anyway, I'm out to some people, but I'm still closeted with most of my family. I'm a closeted spiritualist. Sigh. Wish me luck as I try to further open the door.
Blessings!
[pureplum]
Through the depressions my crying was regular and expected. Now it comes at surprising times. Speaking of shedding skins in my psychiatrist's office, I am proud and happy and grateful, smiling broadly, until I burst into sobbing tears. Quite suddenly. I'm a heap of falling tears, a waterfall over a moss-covered cliff. Kleenex is passed, but these tears are too thick for tissue paper. I let them flow. I'm in awe of what is happening here.
I am finding my soul.
I'm angry and hurt that I was trained to deny my soul for so long. Taught to reject a part of me. I'm afraid. Of being wrong, of being right, of rejection, ridicule, criticism, challenges. And I'm determined. To continue peeling off the paint and plastic, to continue breaking off the mud. I will cleanse my soul with incense and sage, I will bathe myself in reiki, I will love myself truly and deeply, I will let my soul shine.
I have been taught that life is meaningless and there is no higher power. And that all who disagree are deluded, dumb, and inferior. Choosing a path of spirit is rejecting my tribe, and their expected role for me. Which is positive, of course. But the tribe is too entrenched in their ways, too brainwashed by their own beliefs, to see it like that. To them I am rejecting truth, acting irrationally, choosing fantasy over reality.
But to me I am accepting truth instead of remaining closed to it,
I am acting rationally and emotionally and spiritually.
I am choosing all of reality, not just one limited version of it.
I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god, I believe in god. Oh, this is going to take a lot of processing. It's way harder to say out loud than "I'm gay" ever was. Maybe 'cause people have so many stereotypes about what "god" is. Although, I guess many people have that about gays, too! Just not my circle.
I believe in god.
I believe.
Yes, Pure Beautiful Ripe and Juicy Plum, there is magic here.
Bless me.
I'm doing it in pieces. Coming out as spiritual. It's harder than it was to come out as bisexual. And that wasn't all easy, let me tell you. Well, another time I'll tell you the whole story. But the root of it is this - my family accepts that some people are gay. No problem. But spiritual? Well, that's just wrong. And stupid.
So, I started, like anyone would, with people I knew would accept it. I met other spiritual people and I told them. So far I've met no one that fully understands the difficulty of coming out spiritual for me, but they try and they listen and they say good for you and all that. Like straight people to gay people, you know. They can empathize, sure, but they don't really get it like someone who has experienced it. Like racial profiling to white people. Yeah, that's so unjust you were pulled over for nothing. But we don't really get it completely. Like abuse to someone who's never been abused. We can try to understand each other, and that's helpful. We can understand on some levels, intellectually, sometimes emotionally. But the depths of the experience are only felt by the person who went through the thing. And it can feel isolating when there's no one else who's gone through something similar. And I know of no one else who has gone through this.
Maybe I should try to contact Madalyn Murray O'Hair's son.
Anyway, so I told spiritual friends and that feels like some relief. I'm being true to myself. I'm being open. I'm declaring my soul. At the border patrol between atheist and spiritual person, I do declare I have a soul. Yes, I have 1 soul to declare. Write that down. Sign the paperwork. Hallelujah, praise the lord.
Then I told friends who were spiritual or religious, but less accepting of beliefs different from theirs. And that was basically ok, too. People tend to think their beliefs are right, but if others have some belief system, they'll basically go with it. Most people aren't proselytizing all over the place. So I'm out to all my close friends, now. And it feels good. And none of them think I'm the least big crazy. None of them shake their heads in disappointment. They don't try to reason me out of it. It's accepted. I'm spiritual. It's even no big deal.
But family? Well, it goes against everything I was raised to believe. My parents might feel they failed. They might be forced to face their beliefs. They would say lack of beliefs, but they absolutely have a belief system.
I'm broaching the subject, mentioning the energy work I've done, mentioning the word spiritual here and there, but not really defining.
I haven't spoken any of these words, though:
I believe in something bigger than myself, in a higher power.
I sometimes experience feeling at one with all, at one with spirit.
I feel spiritual.
I believe we have souls.
I believe there is meaning in this life.
I believe it is possible that we live on in some other form or in some similar form.
I believe we have energy and we can affect it.
I believe we have healing powers.
I don't know any of these things, but I feel and believe them. I'm uncomfortable saying I believe them. But I'm working on that.
Saying those things to my parents and siblings... it's like saying to most people's families:
I believe I am Jesus Christ reincarnated.
I believe I have been abducted by aliens.
I believe I can astrally project to the planet of my birth.
I believe I can fly.
And, hey, if you believe those things, I am not here to say they're not true. Not at all. I'm anxious to hear your story, actually. And sorry for all my former years when I did think you were a lunatic.
So anyway, I'm out to some people, but I'm still closeted with most of my family. I'm a closeted spiritualist. Sigh. Wish me luck as I try to further open the door.
Blessings!
[pureplum]
why didn't i just stay in goddamn oklahoma?
so last night, i was out with my best girlfriend (i live in her house. she's married and has a cute kid. i sleep on the floor in a tiny bedroom. it gets cold sometimes but beggars can't be choosers. i'll clean the kitchen tonight. i must earn my keep.) and everywhere we went, it was a sausage party. i effin' hate guys, right, at least when i'm out with her i hate guys because we want to do our own little thing and not bother with guys because all they want to do is fuck and she's happily married (rare and beautiful thing) and i'm just a weird bitch, but sure enough, they come around sniffing at our asses...
these two guys wouldn't leave us alone, so i reached into my armpit, pulled out a couple hairs, and made a move to put them in one of their beers.
that, by far, has been the most effective way of dealing with unwanted advances i've come up with yet.
hate this salon i got a job at!!!!!
hate it!
not busy at all, therefore, not getting paid.
quitting and going for a telemarketing or waitressing gig next week, if i don't quit tommorrow.
i just can't sit on my ass all day like that. and the oldies station is making me want to kill. i can't believe she wants to charge me 175$ a week booth-rent there. that's just ridiculous. i'm doing commission right now, but she wants me to move to booth rent next month. fuck that. i'd be LUCKY JUST TO PAY MY BOOTH RENT.
yeah.
to make matters worse, i have to take the entire state board examination for my barbers license over again in order for it to get transferred over from oklahoma. i have to drive THREE HOURS out of my way, find two live models who'll both let me give them the ugly haircuts that stateboard requires, do a written exam, and pay approx 90 bucks just to work legally in this state.
i'm pissed as hell.
why did i just HAVE to get a barber's license? why couldn't i just have gone to regular old beauty school and cut toenails like a good girl? why didn't i just stay in goddamn oklahoma?? [mspissed]
these two guys wouldn't leave us alone, so i reached into my armpit, pulled out a couple hairs, and made a move to put them in one of their beers.
that, by far, has been the most effective way of dealing with unwanted advances i've come up with yet.
hate this salon i got a job at!!!!!
hate it!
not busy at all, therefore, not getting paid.
quitting and going for a telemarketing or waitressing gig next week, if i don't quit tommorrow.
i just can't sit on my ass all day like that. and the oldies station is making me want to kill. i can't believe she wants to charge me 175$ a week booth-rent there. that's just ridiculous. i'm doing commission right now, but she wants me to move to booth rent next month. fuck that. i'd be LUCKY JUST TO PAY MY BOOTH RENT.
yeah.
to make matters worse, i have to take the entire state board examination for my barbers license over again in order for it to get transferred over from oklahoma. i have to drive THREE HOURS out of my way, find two live models who'll both let me give them the ugly haircuts that stateboard requires, do a written exam, and pay approx 90 bucks just to work legally in this state.
i'm pissed as hell.
why did i just HAVE to get a barber's license? why couldn't i just have gone to regular old beauty school and cut toenails like a good girl? why didn't i just stay in goddamn oklahoma?? [mspissed]
